b r e a t h i n g
r o o m
12 Dec 97
Winnowing and refocusing proceeding apace. Nearly. I know for every reason in the book that getting a chapter done of the Be project and in by sometime next week is really my only job right now. Still, I've obligated myself to so many writing projects: reviews of Dead shows for the second volume of a taper's compendium, new clever items for Coffeehouse News, this journal of course, and some e-mail friends whose very presence behind their messages call me out to write to them at length.
So I'm still narrowing, still redoubling my attention, still following through on processes long ago begun, still treading water, still looking for the main chance, still stumbling. Going broke and facing the holidays I splurged on a nice dinner at our favorite restaurant (Bay Wolf). Whistling past the graveyard, here, financially, all the more reason to get that Be book moving. So why doesn't running out of black ink get me quite so scared as it once did? Maybe because my thresholds have moved to a more comfortable level for the warning alarums. Maybe because I lived like a king at the peak of the rollercoaster ride, pissing away money like a drunken sailor, all the time knowing that up was up and all that but down was in the cards and rising in the long run would have to be slow and steady.
This time I won't go so far into the red before I pull out of the liquidity nosedive. This time I'm finally getting my business expenses into their own checking account with a line of credit, so at least I can pay myself a stipend and have my business buy me the credit out of its profits when my cash-flow projections prove overoptimistic. But where does the long-term confidence come in? Probably just the constant reminders that "they" want me to work and will pay me to do it.
Going mad trying to think of a good nav scheme for these here pages. May need frames, but who wants to give the width of even a stripped-down calendar from their display area, or make people scroll through a long stringly list of days? At least there ought to be a link to the first entry for those who like to do things chronological. Maybe something like one month ago, one week ago, etc.? Still not sure.
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